Never get a Warship Angry
by FrenchFrySplash
Summary: It's a crazy universe. Especially on board the Andromeda Ascendant. Crossover with various other shows. You'll see.
1. Chapter 1: Good Morning

I don't own Andromeda. Nor do I own any other TV show that appears in this fic. If I did, I'd be rich.

It was just a normal, non-exciting, completely boring day when Captain Dylan Hunt of the Andromeda Ascendant, whistling, minding his own business, walked onto the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

"What?" asked Dylan, surprised at this unexpected turn of events. When he walked somewhere on his ship, he generally expected to stay on his ship. Of course, he supposed, anything could happen, really. As he walked further on board, he began to notice that every single person in the vicinity was staring at him. For a minute, he wondered if perhaps he had grown another head, or arm, or some other extra limb, when he realized that, of course, he was still his pajamas. No wonder they were all looking at him funny.

"You know what?" He said, smiling broadly at his incredible genious. "I'll just go get changed now." And with that, utterly pleased with himself, he walked out.

Captain Jean Luc Picard turned to his first officer, Commander Riker, and demanded, in no uncertain terms: "What the hell was that about?"

"I have no idea, sir," Riker shrugged, and went back to playing his gameboy.

hibobhibobhiobhibobhibob

"DYLAN HUNT!!! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE!!!"

Wondering what he possibly could have done to anger his first officer now, Dylan rushed onto the Andromeda's Command Deck. Beka stood in the direct center of the room, hands her hips and foot tapping. When she saw him, she immediatly smiled, and turned back to whatever she had been doing before.

"What did I do now?" huffed Dylan, out of breath from his run across the gigantic ship.

"Nothing," replied Beka. "Just wanted to make sure you were listening."

"We thought you might have accidentally walked into another reality," explained Trance, her tail flicking back and forth, back and forth. "But obviously, you got back."

Dylan stared at her. "Aren't you supposed to be golden?" he finally asked.

Trance grinned. "Oh, but I am. See?" And then, in flash of light, Golden Trance appeared, waving.

"Hi!" She beamed. Purple Trance turned to her.

"I am so much cooler than you." she said.

"No you're not!" cried Golden Trance, enraged. Purple Trance snorted.

"Come on!" she said. "I have a tail!"

"I'm the cooler one," pouted Golden Trance. "Harper, Tell her!"

Harper, who had just walked in for no particular reason, froze like a mermaid in the arctic.

"Er," he mumbled, backing towards the door. "I don't know, I mean, you're both pretty cool, but-OOF!" He was aruptly saved from this cosmic error by bumping into the ten-foot-tall Neitzchien, Tyr Anasazi. Tyr tutted, and picked the poor boy up, depositing him out of harms way.

"Do you think we could stop this useless bickering and get on with the story?" He said loudly, as only Tyr could.

"There's a story?" asked Rommie, entering with her usual sarcastic comment behind Tyr.

"I hope so," said Beka. "This is getting boring." The rest of the crew agreed, and was just about to go try to find trouble, when Rommie noticed something on her scanner.

"Hey Guys?" She called. "I'm picking up a weird looking alien ship."

"Wow, you're stong," said Dylan in awe. Rommie rolled her eyes.

"No," she said. "I mean it's coming our way."

"Ohhhhhh," said Dylan.

"An alien ship?" asked Tyr, intrigued. "Can I shoot it?"

"No," said Dylan, taking command. "No, you may not shoot it."

Tyr felt tears welling up in his eyes. "You never let me do anything!" He sobbed. Harper patted him on the back, attempting to console his large friend.

Beka, who was beginning to feel like she might start crying if she continued to stand there doing nothing, tapped Dylan on the shoulder. "Can we go to slipstream?" she whined.

"Not now," Dylan told her.

"Why not?"

"Because I said so!" shouted Dylan.

"OK! Geez, sorry I asked," Beka wandered away, muttering about revenge plans on the great Commonwealth Captain.

Dylan sighed, turning away to face the viewscreen. Purple Trance and Golden Trance had started up their argument about which one of them was better, Tyr sobbed in the corner, with Harper trying to console him, and Beka and Rommie were whispering conspiratoraly in the opposite corner, occasionally throwing a dirty look his way. Dylan ran his hand through his hair, and sighed again.

"This ship ain't what it used to be," He muttered.

Big mistake.


	2. Chapter 2: A Minor Annoyance

Hello! Thank you so much for reveiwing. I was worried that no one would like this (Or put up with it, at least.). I know the summery is really bad, but the story is good. Well, I think so, anyway.

Right then...On with the show!

Previously…

"_This ship ain't what it used to be." Sighed Dylan._

Rommie froze, and turned around from her evil planning to face her captain.

"What?" she asked.

"Oooooooooo," said Beka. Rommie started towards Dylan, looking very menacing despite her short stature.

"What do you mean, Dylan?" she asked slowly.

Dylan gulped, and backed up. "Er, nothing, I-"

"Are you saying that I'm-that I'm-"

"No!" cried Dylan, trying vainly to save himself. Rommie took a deep breath.

"Are you saying that I'm FAT?!?!"

Everyone gasped.

"What?" asked Dylan. "No, no, that's not what I meant, I just meant that the

crew-"

"Oh, so you're saying that I'm not good enough now," said Beka, coming up to stand next to her android friend.

"Good luck," whispered Purple Trance. Beka and Rommie slowly advanced towards the unfortunate Captain, who backed up to the wall.

"Do you think we should help him?" Harper asked Golden Trance, moving away from the in consolable Tyr. Golden Trance shrugged.

"Nah," she said. Suddenly, a telephone rang. Purple Trance picked it up.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hi," said a voice on the other end. "I'm Joe. I was just wondering, have you heard about his fantastic deal we're offering to ancient High Guard Warships?"

"No," said Purple Trance.

"Well, now you know. You see, we think that all ships should have a good vacuum cleaner-" Trance hung up.

"What was that about?" asked Golden Trance.

"Vacuum cleaners." Replied Purple Trance.

They both nodded mystically.

"Hey guys," Computer screen Andromeda appeared on her screen, abruptly stopping Rommie and Beka from their ultra-slow menacing advance. "As much as I want to see what happens, that weird alien ship is hailing us."

"Is it trying to sell us vacuum cleaners?" asked Purple Trance.

"No," said Andromeda, leaning away from the violet creature.

"Uh, on screen," stuttered Dylan, glad that he hadn't been severely hurt.

Rev Bem appeared on the view screen.

"Hello," he said pleasantly, and then frowned, seeing Tyr. "Tyr, are you…crying?"

"Dylan was mean to me," sniffed Tyr.

"Couldn't this have waited Rev?" asked Beka irritably. "We were just about to beat Dylan up."

"Oh, of course," Rev nodded. "I'll just leave-"

"NO!" shouted Dylan. "I mean, you're the only sane one here!"

"Hey," said Harper defensively. "I haven't actually done anything crazy yet."

"You're dressed as a giant mouse," said Golden Trance.

Harper looked down at himself, to see that he was indeed, dressed as a giant mouse. "Oh," he said, "Never mind then."

"What do you want Rev?" asked Rommie.

"I wanted to tell you about a new, terrifying, ugly, boring, evil, telemarketing enemy." Said Rev.

"Telemarketing?" asked the Trances. They looked at each other, and nodded mystically.

"Would you stop doing that?" asked Harper.

"No," said Golden Trance. Harper rolled his eyes.

Tyr's face lit up. "Can we go shoot them?" he asked, jumping up and down like a kid wanting to go into a candy store. "Please, please?"

"No," Dylan drew himself up to his full height. "No, first, we're going to try to-" he stopped. "Um, excuse me, but I'm about to go into a huge, important speech here. Where's the inspirational music?"

"Oh, sorry," the computer screen andromeda appeared. "Here you go." She blinked, and the special inspirational music reserved for Dylan's speeches began to play. Dylan nodded, and continued.

"First, we will try to reason with them," he looked around at the rest of his crew. They stared back at him.

"That's it?" asked Beka. "That was your big speech?"

"What a waste of inspirational music," Rommie shook her head.

"'Reason with them?'" said Tyr. "Who needs reasoning when you have huge guns!"

"Reasoning is over-rated." Stated Harper.

"I agree with Dylan,"

The rest of the crew looked at each other. "Oh ok, then." They said.

Golden Trance turned to her purple counterpart. "How do you do that?" she asked. Purple Trance smiled.

"Kidneys," she whispered, tapping her head.

Rev Bem sighed. "Ok," he said. "I've had them on hold."

"All this time?" asked Beka.

"Yep," said Rev. "I've been playing, 'It's a small world for' their enjoyment."

"Enjoyment?" Harper said disbelievingly. Rev frowned. Dylan rolled his eyes.

"On screen," he said. Immediately, Rev was replaced by a giant blob of gray goo with eyes and a mouth, but no nose. Noses are sooooo last week.

"Hello," droned the blob in the most boring voice ever heard. "I am Joe, the leader of my people, the Grob."

"Joe?" asked Purple Trance.

"Yes, that is my-where is your Captain?" everyone looked around, to find that Dylan had seemingly disappeared.

"Not again!" said Harper.

"Actually," frowned Rommie. "I don't think this has happened before."

"Wait Guys," Beka pointed behind her. "I found him." She grabbed Dylan by the ear, and dragged him from where he'd been hiding behind her.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" he whined.

"Wimp," said Harper. Beka grabbed him by the ear. "OW! What did I do?"

"Nothing," said Beka. She turned to Dylan. "Now, why were you hiding?"

"'Cause I'm a-scareded." Quaked Dylan.

"'A-scareded?'" repeated Harper.

"Come on!" Beka shook him hard. "You're supposed be some great High Guard Captain!"

"So?" sniffed Dylan. "The blob is scary."

"He's right," said Joe. "I am scary."

"Not really," said Golden Trance.

"Yeah, we've met worse," said Tyr.

"You're just kind of a minor annoyance," said Purple Trance.

"What if I told that I was going to destroy everything in the universe?" asked Joe.

"Well, that wouldn't be very nice," said Tyr, crossing his arms.

Well, that's the end of this chapter. Please Review! Reviews are nice.


	3. Chapter 3: There WILL Be Shopping

Here's chapter 3. Hope you like it!_  
_

_Previously…_

_"What if I told you I was going to destroy everything in the universe?" asked Joe_

"_Well, that wouldn't be very nice," said Tyr, crossing his arms._

Beka sighed. "Again?" she asked wearily.

"Do you know how many people try to destroy the universe on a daily basis?" asked Harper.

"Why do you even want to destroy the universe?" asked Rommie.

Joe opened his mouth to answer, then frowned. "You know, I don't actually know," he said thoughtfully. "I just woke up this morning and thought it would be fun."

"So, are you open to being convinced not to do it?" asked Dylan eagerly. Joe considered for a minute.

"No," he said.

"Oh well," Dylan shrugged. "Can't blame a guy for trying. See ya!" He started to leave, but unfortunately, Beka still had him by the ear.

"Oh no, you don't," she said, smiling evilly. Dylan gulped.

"But you don't have to destroy the universe," said Purple Trance. "It hasn't done anything to you."

"True," said Joe. "It is, after all, full of thousands of incredible beings, unimaginable wonders, and delectable foods-"

"And chocolate!" added Tyr, helpfully.

"-and chocolate," Joe thought for another minute. "No, Still gonna destroy it."

"We won't let you!" cried Golden Trance. "We'll never let you win!"

"Actually," said Joe. "You will."

"Don't think so," said Rommie.

"Yep, You see, I have seen the future," Joe attempted to smile, but since he was really just a blob of goo, it didn't work out that well. "And I destroy you in about 5, 4, 3-"

"Wait!" cried Dylan. Joe stopped his countdown, and looked at him irritably.

"For what?" he snapped. All of a sudden, an all-too-conveniently-timed wormhole appeared.

"Andromeda!" shouted Dylan. "Fly into that!"

"What if I don't want to?" asked Rommie.

"What?" asked the rest of the crew.

"You're always telling me what to do, with no regards to what I want-"

"Rommie!" screamed Beka. "Fly through the freakin' wormhole!"

"Well, since you asked so nicely," And with that, the Andromeda Ascendant flew through the conveniently placed plot-I mean, wormhole, leaving a very confused Joe.

"Well," he sighed. "Now I'll just start destroying the universe, I guess…" He took out a road map to the universe. "I think I'll start with New Jersey…"

Hibobhibobhibobhibob

The Andromeda exited the wormhole next to Earth.

"Rommie, Where are we?" enquired Dylan.

"Read the text above you, idiot," said Rommie.

"Oh," said Dylan. He read the text above him. "Earth?"

"Earth?!" asked Harper.

"And apparently we've travelled an indeterminate amount back in time." Stated Rommie

"Indeterminate?" said Golden Trance.

"Yep," said Rommie. "Looks like 21st century earth to me."

"Cool," said Purple Trance. "Let's go!"

"Ok," agreed Rommie, and everyone started towards the docking bay to get on board the Eureka Maru.

"Wait," said Beka, stopping for a minute and causing the rest to bump into her. "Shouldn't we be worried about the fact that we just traveled back in time?"

"Beka," said Rommie patiently. "There's _shopping_ down there."

"Shopping?" asked Tyr, Dylan, and Harper at the same time. They looked at each other, and then raced to the Maru, leaving the girls in the dust. Golden Trance looked at Purple Trance.

"That was weird." She said.

"Boys," said Beka. The four women shook their heads, and followed the men towards the Maru.

Hibobhibobhibobhibob

Rev, who was sitting aboard his weird looking spaceship playing Dance Dance Revolution, suddenly realized that he had been completely forgotten.

"Um, excuse me?" he called. "But what about me?"

"Oh, you'll come in again later," his friend assured him. "I mean, they can't just get rid of a character and then completely forget them, can they?" Rev considered this for a moment. He nodded.

"Yeah, I'm sure they'll remember me sooner or later," he finished dancing and looked at his score. "I win!"

**A/N:** If I offended anybody who lives in New Jersey, sorry. The name was running around my head, and if I hadn't used it, I would have gone crazy! Well, more than I already am, anyway.


	4. Chapter 4: Telephones and Teletubbies

All right folks, here's the next chapter. This is where the crossover with Stargate SG-1 (which I do not own) starts. If you've never seen it, there is only one thing I need you know right now: When I say "zatted", I mean "shot with a stun gun."

Thank you to ilexx, squid109, and Natta for reviewing!

_Previously _

_They exited the wormhole next to Earth._

hibobhibobhibobhibob

"_And apparently, we've travelled an indeterminate amount back in time." Said Rommie._

hibobhibobhibobhibob

"_Beka," said Rommie patiently. "There's **shopping** down there."_

hibobhibobhibobhibob

The crew bumped and apologized their way through the crowded mall. Or at least Dylan, Beka, Harper, The Trances and Rommie did. People just moved out of Tyr's way, making a path for him straight to The Chocolate shop.

"Wow," he breathed, pressing his nose up against the glass window. "It's beautiful…"

"It's a chocolate bunny rabbit," said Rommie. "And it doesn't even hop."

"Look!" squealed Dylan. "_Teletubbies_ on DVD!" He grabbed Beka's arm and dragged her over to the Video store across the way.

"This is why you're not allowed out in public," she told him, pulling him away with some effort.

"But, but-" Dylan sniffed. "They're so colourful…"

Meanwhile, Harper and the Trances were looking at the electronics department.

"What is it?" asked Harper, holding the strange device in question to the light.

"I think it's a _telephone,_" answered Golden Trance.

"Duh," said Purple Trance. "There's one on Command remember?"

The other two stared at her. "But this one has _Mickey Mouse_ on it," whispered Harper.

Purple Trance took a step to distance herself.

"Can I help you?" a friendly looking shop attendant suddenly appeared behind them.

"No thanks," said Harper.

"OK," the attendant (who's name was Calvin) stepped away.

"What are you guys looking at?" asked Beka, walking up and dragging a pouting Dylan behind her. "Ooooo, is that Mickey Mouse?"

"Yep," said Golden Trance.

"Big deal," muttered Dylan. "_Teletubbies_ are better."

"What's he talking about?" Tyr said as he and Rommie appeared beside them.

"They have televisions on their stomachs!" cried Dylan. "Come on! What's better than that?"

"He has a point," said Rommie.

"Can I help you with something?" asked Calvin the attendant, once again appearing.

"Go away," said Beka. Calvin nodded, smiling, and left.

"Look at this one," said Rommie, picking up a phone that had a little green alien on it. "'E.T. phone home'" she read. "Isn't that cute?"

"Are you sure I can't help with anything?" asked Calvin eagerly. Tyr turned to him.

"Young man," he said, "If you value your life, you will leave this place and never return."

Calvin burst into tears and ran away, sobbing.

"Bit hard on him, weren't you?" asked Beka.

"I think we should leave," said Purple Trance, as one of the store managers started towards them.

"I will just tell him to leave us alone," stated Tyr.

"No!" shouted the rest, grabbing him and dragging him out of the mall.

"What do we now?" asked Rommie, after Tyr had taken his medication.

"Let's go to munchkin land!" said Tyr in an unnaturally high-pitched voice.

"Let's not and say we did," said Harper.

"Ok!" Tyr smiled and sat on the parking lot, polishing his gun and whistling.

"Remind me why we agreed to have him on the crew?" Rommie asked Dylan.

"He's big, and scary," replied the captain. Tyr grinned at him, and giggled.

"Oh, _behave,_" he said, waving his hand girlishly.

"You're right," said Harper. "Terrifying."

"I think we should go back to the Andromeda now," said Beka. "This is getting weird."

"I agree," said the Trances.

Dylan and Harper helped Tyr up, and the crew made their way to the Maru. Beka took out a remote control, and pressed a button.

_Beep, beep_ went the Maru, the door opening. Suddenly, a young man with brown hair and glasses walked up to them.

"Excuse me," he asked. "Is this your vehicle?"

"Hey, it's perfectly legal to park here buddy," said Beka defensively.

The man nodded pleasantly, and pressed a button on his shirt. "We've got them guys"

"Got who?" asked Dylan, looking around.

All at once, about ten military personnel had them surrounded.

"I didn't do it!" cried Harper. He pushed Purple Trance in front of him. "It was her!"

An older man, a blonde woman, and a tall African looking man with a toque on stepped out to stand next to the other guy.

"You know you have a spaceship parked at a mall, right?" asked the woman.

"It's not illegal," said Rommie. "Right?"

"Well-" she was interrupted by the older man.

"Yes," he said, "It is very illegal. You need to come with us."

The crew of the Andromeda Ascendant looked at each other. They shrugged.

"Ok." They agreed in unison.

"Nothing better to do," said Beka.

"Who are you anyway?" asked Dylan.

"I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson," said the young man. "This is Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, and…" he indicated the toque guy. "Teal'c." Major Samantha Cater nodded. She quickly explained.

"We work with something called a **Stargate**-"

"**SG-1**" blurted out O'Neill.

"Why did you say that?" asked Daniel.

"It was a clever way of letting the reader know what show is now being crossed over with," said Teal'c.

"Exactly," said O'Neill.

"Actually," piped up Golden Trance. "I think it was kind of obvious."

"Yeah," agreed the rest of the crew.

"Shut up," said O'Neill, and zatted them, one by one.

"You didn't have to do that," said Daniel. "They were going to come with us." O'Neill zatted him to.

"Sir," said Sam. "I think you should stop-" O'Niell zatted her.

"And you?" he asked Teal'c. Teal'c smiled, and zatted O'Niell. Then he started laughing manically.

Hope you liked it! If you did, be kind, please, er, review.


	5. Chapter 5: A Magical Space Ship

Thanks! I was worried that nobody would want to read an Andromeda/Stargate crossover. I'm glad you liked it.

And about Calvin, don't worry, I have great plans for him...

**Chapter 5: A Magical Space Ship **

General George Hammond was there to meet to SG-1 and the crew of the Andromeda in the parking lot of Cheyenne Mountain, with his usual plate of freshly baked cookies, and frilly pink apron. He expected to see them come parading back with the strange alien ship that Walter had seen on his yearly jaunt to the mall. What he saw instead was the Eureka Maru careening towards him, with Teal'c at the wheel. This frightened him so badly that he fainted as it came to a stop right in front of his face.

Teal'c allowed himself to smile for a fraction of a second, then went back to his usual stoic self. He had used up his monthly allowance of cheerfulness, and now had to keep a completely straight face for 27 more days. He sighed regretfully, and exited the Maru. As he did, he wondered how he was going to explain to Doctor Fraiser why everyone was unconscious. Oh well, he's just stare at her and she would drop it.

Fortunately, Doctor Fraiser was saved the discomfort of Teal'c's gaze, as everyone miraculously woke up at the same time. For some reason, Zat guns didn't seem to pack the same punch that they used to. The crew of the Andromeda, SG-1, and General Hammond all stood staring at the Maru.

"Sooooo…"said Jack. "How do we get it inside?"

Everyone looked at Sam. She stared back.

"Why are you all looking at me?" she asked.

"I don't know," said Dylan. "Everyone else is, so I just did too. I don't like being an outcast."

"Maybe we should just leave it here," suggested Rommie. "I mean, who would steal it, really?"

"Hey!" cried Beka indignantly.

"Sorry Beka," said Harper. "It's true."

"Now if it were the Andromeda…" said Tyr.

"I think the best thing we can do is leave it out here," said Hammond decisively.

"But I wanted to study it…" whined Sam.

"Me too," whined Daniel. At the questioning glances, he explained: "It looks really old, and I like old things…"

"Hey!" cried Beka. "It's standing right there, you know!"

"Yeah," said Jack sarcastically. "Like it can actually hear us."

The crew of the Andromeda stared at him.

"It can," said Purple Trance.

"It's a magical space ship," said Golden Trance.

"It's built from a special kind of Metal," said Dylan.

"That we got from a witch on some random planet," finished Tyr.

SG-1 + Hammond stared at them, slightly frightened.

"I think they had a bad reaction to the zats sir," whispered Doctor Fraiser, who had randomly appeared behind them. Beak snorted and hit Dylan on the back of the head.

"Idiot," she said. "You know that my Father built that ship!"

The people from Cheyenne Mountain laughed, and went back inside. Immediately after they were gone, Beka hit Dylan again.

"Hey," he complained. "What did I do?"

"You almost gave away my secret about the Maru!" said Beka.

"But Trance started it!" whined Dylan.

"Yeah," said Beka. "But you're funner to hit." And with that, The crew followed SG-1 into Cheyenne Mountain.

Hibobhibobhibobhibob

"Whoa!" shouted Rommie when she saw the Stargate. "What's that thing?!"

"That's the Stargate," said Sam.

Rommie reached a hand out touch the great big round circle before her. "I…must…poke…"

As Rommie stood poking the Stargate, Jack turned to Dylan.

"Why is she doing that?" he whispered. Dylan shrugged.

"She has a thing about big stone round things." He explained. "Just don't mention it to her."

"Why?" asked Daniel.

"She's a warship," said Tyr. "And you know what they say…"

"What do they say?" asked Teal'c.

The crew of the Andromeda looked at each other, and grinned.

"Never get a warship angry!" they shouted.


	6. Chapter 6: Dominos of the SGC

Well, I haven't updated in a very long time, and I am truly sorry. But life happens. I hope you like this chapter.

**Chapter 6: Dominos of the SGC  
**

As the crew of the Andromeda laughed and high-fived each other, the red alert light started flashing, and the words "Unscheduled off-world activation" resounded throughout the base.

"You know what?" sighed Hammond. "That happens far too often around here to be classified as a red alert. Maybe a blue alert. Or Lavender. WALTER!" He jogged up to the control room.

"What was that about?" asked Beka, frowning.

"Oh nothing," said Jack. "It just means that some evil alien is probably going to try and destroy us again."

"I hate it when that happens," said Dylan sympathetically.

"Do you know who it is?" asked Golden Trance.

"No," said Sam. "But we should probably get up there, otherwise we might die when they come through."

"If they're malevolent, the General won't let them through," Daniel assured her.

"Indeed," said Teal'c. "General Hammond is wise, and will not let-"

"Hey guys!" shouted Hammond excitedly from his spot in the control room. "Get up here! This guy sells _vacuum cleaners_!"

"Then again…"said Daniel.

"Vacuum cleaners?" asked Purple Trance.

"Yeah!" shouted Hammond. "And they give discounts to Generals!"

"Sure they do…" said Golden Trance.

"We'd better get up there," said Jack. "Before all the vacuums are gone."

He and the rest of SG-1 ran up to the control room, leaving the crew of the Andromeda to their own devices.

"What now?" asked Rommie, who had finally tired of poking the stargate. (Which was fortunate as at that exact moment, the giant KA-WOOSH, well, ka-wooshed, missing them by inches.)

"Maybe we should explore," suggested Harper.

"Or we could blow stuff up," suggested Tyr.

"How about we do what Harper said?" said Dylan, attempting to take charge.

"Sure," said Beka.

"Sounds good," nodded Rommie.

"Awwwww…" said Tyr, looking disappointed.

"Ok," said Harper. "Which way?"

Hibobhibobhibobhibob

They finally decided to go right, where they soon lost themselves in the corridors.

"It's like a maze!" cried Beka, throwing her hands up in the air and sinking to the floor. "I give up!"

"What we really need is a map," said Dylan.

"Ok, Captain Obvious." Said Rommie sarcastically.

"That's Captain Hunt to you," said Dylan, pointing at her patronisingly,

"So what?" asked Rommie. "I don't care."

"You're a little grumpy, aren't you?" teased Harper.

"I AM NOT GRUMPY!!!!!" thundered Rommie.

"It must be that time of month," whispered Tyr.

"ANDROIDS DON'T HAVE 'THAT TIME OF MONTH'!!!!!!" shouted Rommie.

"You sure?" asked Purple Trance, and quickly hid behind Golden Trance, as Rommie looked ready to kill.

"Uh," Beka held up a hand. "If anyone's interested, I've solved our map problem."

"Really? How?" asked Dylan.

"This guy here sells them," said Beka, pointing to man standing behind a kiosk with the word 'MAPS' painted on the front.

"Ohhhh…" said the rest.

"So," said Beka. "Where to?"

Hibobhibobhibobhibob

"So who's this vacuum cleaner sales man?" asked Jack as he and SG-1 entered the control room.

"I don't know," sulked Hammond. "He cut off just after the end of the paragraph before last."

"Darn," said Sam. "And I needed a new vacuum too!"

"What exactly is a vacuum cleaner?" asked Teal'c.

"A vacuum that cleans," Daniel answered.

"I understand," said Teal'c, inclining his head.

"How does he do that?" asked Jack, who had recently spent an entire Saturday explaining what a lawn mower was.

"It is simple, O'Neill," said Teal'c. "I simply move the muscles at in my neck forward-"

"That's not what I meant." Interrupted Jack. Teal'c frowned, confused.

"Did he give his name?" asked Sam, returning to the story.

"Joe," said Hammond.

"That's it?" asked Daniel. "Just Joe?"

"Yep," confirmed Hammond. "Um, by the way, where are our visitors?"

At this point, SG-1 realized that they had left the crew of the Andromeda alone.

"Oops," said Jack.

"We'll be right back, sir," said Sam, running out of the control room, closely followed by the rest of her team. Immediately, she bumped face first into Tyr Anasazi.

"Ow!" she cried, falling backwards into Jack, who fell backwards into Teal'c, who fell backwards into Daniel, who landed on the floor.

"Cool!" squealed Tyr. "Dominos!"

"Do it again!" cried Dylan, jumping up and down like a pogo stick on a trampoline.

"Uh, no," said Daniel, as he stood up.

"Is anybody seriously hurt?" Asked Dr. Fraiser, suddenly popping up behind them, wielding a large needle. "Does anybody need a doctor?" she looked all too eager.

"No," said SG-1, leaning away. Disappointed, Dr. Fraiser slunk away, petting her needle and muttering soothingly.

"Is she crazy?" asked Rommie.

"This from the woman who pokes the Stargate." Muttered Sam.

"What?"

"Goldfish?" answered Sam.

"I wanted a Goldfish," said Harper wistfully. "But Trance wouldn't let me have one."

"You killed Walter," said The Trances at the same time.

At this, Walter the technician fainted. Dr. Fraiser eagerly raced in, followed by a team bearing a stretcher.

"I'm fine," protested Walter, who had woken up about five seconds after fainting.

"No you're not," said Dr. Fraiser, holding up her needle menacingly. "You are unconscious."

"No, I'm-" the needle stabbed into his arm, and Walter's snores filled the room.

"Clear the way," called the doctor. "We have a very sick man here." She and her medical team trooped out, only to come back in, as they had forgotten Walter.

"That was weird," said Golden Trance.

And then, the red alert alarm went off again.

"Here we go," sighed Sam, running into the control room, and promptly bumping face first into Teal'c.

"This is not my day," she groaned as she fell into Jack, who fell into Daniel, who fell into Dylan, who fell into Beka, who fell into Harper, who fell into Purple Trance, who fell into Golden Trance, who hit her head on Tyr's chest.

"SQUEE!" cried Tyr. "Again! Again!"

Hopefully you enjoyed the chapter. Questions? Comments? Concerns for my sanity? Just click the review button!


	7. Chapter 7: She Who Knows Everything

Well, it has been a very, very, very, very, very, very long time since I updated this story. But I have an excuse! I recently became addicted to a Harry Potter website. OK, that's not much of an excuse, but I have had other stuff, like homework , and play, and things... EDIT: A bow to TurnerH for pointing out my math mistake...My math teacher would be horrified, but I've fixed it!

Anyway, Just read the story...

**Chapter 7: She Who Knows Everything**

"So, who's coming through the Stargate now?" asked Jack, as he lifted himself off the ground.

"I don't know," said Sam, pouting. "How come you expect me to know everything?"

"Because you do," Daniel pointed out.

"Oh yeah!" Sam grinned.

"You know everything?" asked Rommie in awe.

"Yes," confirmed everyone in the control room except the Andromeda people.

"Ok, then," said Beka. "What's 2+2?"

"4." responded Sam.

"Ooooooo, she's good," Beka whispered to Dylan.

"What colour is the Andromeda?" demanded Dylan.

"Purple," said Sam.

"I give up," shrugged Dylan.

"Who played Harry Potter in the movies?" questioned Purple Trance.

"Daniel Radcliffe." said Sam.

"Wow, you _are_ good," said Purple Trance in awe.

Harper, tired of being left out of the story line, stepped forward.

"Here's one: What (84+56)-92x12+1?" he demanded, smiling smugly.

"-963," yawned Sam, looking at her nails. Everybody looked at Rommie.

"She's right," she said.

"We told you," said Teal'c. "Major Carter knows everything."

"Can we concentrate on who's coming through the gate?" asked Jack impatiently.

"Sure, we don't have anything better to do," shrugged Hammond.

SG-1, the crew of the Andromeda, and Hammond, all walked over to stand next to some random technician, who was conveniently unaware of what had happened to his predecessor, as he had been tying his shoe at the time. His name, oddly enough, was Calvin.

"Hello!" said Calvin cheerfully. "We have a new alien race on the line. Would you like to speak to them?"

"Um, ok," said Daniel, taking the phone.

"How come I don't get to speak to the new alien race?" demanded Hammond. "I am, after all, the General."

"Because I just…speak to them," explained Daniel.

"Ok," said Hammond, looking down at his feet.

"Have you noticed how he always manages to convince people by just waving his hand?" Dylan asked Tyr.

"You saw nothing!" Daniel hissed to them.

"We saw nothing," said Dylan and Tyr robotically.

Daniel nodded and spoke into the phone. "Hello! You've reached the SGC! This is Dr. Daniel Jackson speaking. To whom am I talking to?"

"This is Joe," said a voice on the other end.

"Hey, it's that guy who sells vacuum cleaners!" Daniel said excitedly, covering up the mouthpiece.

"Ask if he still gives discounts," said Hammond eagerly.

"We do not give discounts," said Joe. "We are here to destroy the universe!"

"What, again?" asked everyone.

"Give me the phone," said Dylan authorotively, "I know how to deal with this guy."

Daniel handed him the phone.

"Hello, Dylan speaking," said Dylan into the phone.

"You!" said Joe. "So, we meet again!"

"I'm sorry," asked Dylan politely. "Have we met?"

"Of course we have! I'm trying to destroy the universe, remember?"

"Ohhhhhhhhh," said Dylan. "Oh, well this is wonderful! Just a minute while I put you on speakerphone. The rest of the crew are simply _dying_ to talk to you again!" He hit the speakerphone button.

"Guys, it's Joe!" He told his crew excitedly.

"Joe!" cried Beka. "Oh, we haven't seen him in sooooooo long!"

"I missed him a lot!" said Harper. "I can't wait to talk to him!"

"I wonder if he remembers me?" asked Tyr worriedly. "Oh, I hope he remembers me…"

"We love Joe!" cried the Trances, jumping up and down.

"Go Joe, go Joe, go Joe…" sang Rommie.

"Er-" said Joe.

"So Joe, how's the whole destroying the universe thing going for you?" asked Dylan.

"Oh, well, you know," said Joe. "It's ok. Some days I think we're getting nowhere and then we'll destroy a planet and there'll be a celebration-"

"You had a party?" asked Beka, dejected. "Why didn't you invite us?"

"Well, you were kind of trying to stop me-"

"That's no reason to neglect your friends," sniffed Tyr, looking hurt.

"Well, I'm really sorry, but-"

"You know what? We don't feel like talking to you anymore," said Harper. "You can have the phone back now," he told Daniel.

"Er, hi, this is Dr. Daniel Jackson again," said Daniel.

"Hello, where were we?" asked Joe.

"I believe you were telling me that you wanted to destroy the universe," said Daniel.

"Oh, right, well, I 'm going to destroy the universe," stated Joe. "Starting with Earth."

"Whoa!" said Jack. "Can't we make a deal or something?"

"What kind of deal?" asked Joe, intrigued.

"Well, uh," Jack looked around for help. "How about, um-"

"If you can ask Major Carter a question that she can't answer than you can destroy Earth," said Teal'c.

"What?!" yelped Sam.

"Agreed," said Joe. "Who is Major Carter?"

"Definitely not me," said Sam, putting up her hands.

"Oh, she's such a kidder," laughed Hammond. He pushed Sam towards the phone.

"Hello?" she said nervously.

Hello," said Joe. "I have a question for you."

"Well, I've been asked quite a lot of questions today-"

"Be quiet and listen! What-" he paused for dramatic effect. "Is Chandler Bing's job on the TV show _Friends_? You have one minute, GO!"

"Chandler Bing's job?" laughed Sam. "Oh, that's easy. It's-" she stopped.

"Well?" prompted Jack.

"Er, I'm thinking…"

"You don't know?" cried Beka.

"Thirty seconds!" shouted Joe gleefully.

"Oh, I think it has something to do with toilet paper…" groaned Sam, stamping her foot. "What is it?"

"Ten seconds!"

"It has not been forty seconds!" argued Rommie.

"Did I say Earth seconds?" asked Joe. "5, 4, 3-"

"I know!" shouted Sam suddenly. "It's-" As she said it, a brass band paraded down the hallway on their hourly march.

"That's right," confirmed Joe, disappointed, "I guess I'll go find some other planet to destroy…Bye Everybody…"

"Bye Joe." said Everybody. And he hung up.

So, that's it for today! Hope you liked it!


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